Monday, February 22, 2010

Ruth & Jefferson Face the Modern Media

In our modern era, the private lives of public figures are laid bare for all to see. But what would have happened if our modern media existed in the eras of Thomas Jefferson or Babe Ruth? We might have found out that Babe Ruth makes Tiger Woods look like a Promise Keeper and Thomas Jefferson makes John Edwards look like a choirboy.

The basic facts in the following stories are true, while the media outings, public outrage and personal apologies never happened.

Babe Admits to Loving the Babes

People Magazine

NEW YORK, New York - The bizarre life and moral transgressions of basement slugger Babe Ruth (a.k.a. George Herman Ruth) have bubbled to the surface with the death of his wife, Helen Woodford Ruth.

Ruth is a hero to American kids who think of him as the home run king. But that may now be history. Ruth’s lucrative sponsorships are in doubt and his baseball career is on indefinite hold.

Ruth’s secret life unraveled when his wife died in a house fire at the home of Watertown, Massachusetts dentist Edward Kinder. While those close to the couple thought they were divorced, Helen had apparently only separated from Mr. Ruth and was living as the wife of Dr. Kinder. The couple never legally divorced.

In the wake of this tragedy, people started asking more questions about why Helen left the marriage. Friends and family all agree Helen Ruth left the Babe as a result of his repeated extramarital affairs.

In the weeks since Helen’s death, a steady stream of women in cities with major league baseball teams have come forward to admit affairs with Ruth. The Babe apparently had a babe in every town where the Yankees played.

In a tearful address to Yankee fans, Ruth, looking pale and bewildered, admitted to moral failings and apologized to his family and fans.

“I know I have severely disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for.”

Ruth admitted to a sex addiction and promised to seek treatment. He asked the scrum of reporters who have stalked his every more and staked out his house around the clock to back off and give his family the required privacy to “heal.”

No sooner did the Babe make that peace offering than his adopted daughter Dorothy Ruth went public, claiming to actually be the biological child of Ruth and one of his extra-marital girlfriends, Juanita Jennings.

Jefferson’s Declaration of Guilt

YouTube video from the television newsmagazine, Inside Edition

[Scene opens with blonde anchorwoman at desk. Over her shoulder a video screen displays a grainy photo of a disheveled Thomas Jefferson, one hand raised to block the camera. Heading above photo reads, “Declaration of Guilt.”]

“Hi. I’m Deborah Norville for Inside Edition.

“The long simmering scandal surrounding founding father and former U.S. President Thomas Jefferson has reached a rolling boil with Jefferson’s admission that he fathered several children with his African American slave, Sally Hemings.

“Inside Edition broke the story last year when our investigative team staked out the slave quarters of Ms. Hemings.”

[Grainy night-vision video shows Jefferson, with shirt untucked and unkempt hair leaving the house of Sally Hemings. A microphone is shoved in Jefferson’s face.]

“Sir, is it true you’re here visiting your lover Sally Hemings and the children you have fathered with her?”

The surprised ex-president puts up a hand to block the camera’s view. “Err, uhmm, I’m just here visiting a sick friend. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

[Norvelle at desk.]

“Just days after we broadcast that video, another of Jefferson’s slaves sold their story to the National Enquirer, revealing that the Jefferson/Hemings affair began when Mrs. Jefferson was still alive and perhaps when Ms. Hemings was still a teenager.

“Jefferson has been secluded for the past year in his Monticello compound, but today finally admitted fathering Heming’s children in a statement released by his attorney.

‘“It was wrong for me ever to deny that these are my children. I have been providing financial support for them and have reached an agreement with their mother to continue providing support in the future. To all those I have disappointed and hurt these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry.’

“Response from 24 hour news network talk shows has been quick and unforgiving.”

[Video jumps to Sean Hannity’s FOX News program]:

HANNITY: “Well let’s be honest, Jefferson’s always been one of those free-thinking (Hannity jabs quotation marks in the air, sneering) “liberals,’ so you can’t be too surprised by this, but what has it done to his legacy as a founding father and author of the Declaration of Independence?”

JAMES DOBSON (leader of the evangelical group, Focus on The Family): “With this Jefferson has revealed himself as a disgrace to America and the family values that made this nation great. Focus on The Family has started a grass-roots movement to get Jefferson’s signature whited-out of the Declaration of Independence.”

[Norvelle at desk.]

“It’s reported that Jefferson and Hemings have taped a tear-filled, confessional episode of the Oprah Winfrey show set to air next week.”

*(Perhaps most amazing of all, historians believe that Sally Hemings and Jefferson’s wife, Martha Wayles Skelton were half sisters, as Martha’s father fathered Hemings with one of his slaves before giving the family of slaves to Thomas and Martha.)

No comments:

Post a Comment