What's To Be Done With Bill Cosby?

When I was a kid my parents had a Bill Cosby comedy record. God it was funny! 

For anyone my age, Cosby was a near life-long presence, from a groundbreaking TV roll in the ‘60s to Jell-O commercials and Saturday morning cartoons in the ‘70s and ‘80s to another groundbreaking TV roll in the ‘80s and ‘90s. In a fall from grace I never could have imagined, and despite whatever legal loopholes keep him out of jail, it’s abundantly clear from mountains of evidence that Bill Cosby was privately a heinous sexual predator.

 

And so what’s to be done with his amazing career accomplishments? Comedian and commenter, Kamau Bell is trying to answer that question in his new documentary, We Need To Talk About Bill Cosby.

 

I’m creeped out enough by the courtroom testimony against Cosby, I’ll never be able to watch his old work without thinking about it. So I won’t watch. And I’m not alone. He’s been virtually excommunicated from our culture.

Likewise, Louis C.K. was once one of my favorite comedians. He rightfully also fell from grace as the MeToo movement unfolded. But on a long drive recently I listened to a streamed comedy channel that played some of his old standup. I quickly rewarmed to his comic genius and so researched his recent efforts to reenter the standup comedy world. While his initial apology was thoughtful, his recent jokes on stage about his former bad behavior are so weird, and just creepy, it makes you doubt the sincerity of that original apology. I’m back in the anti-Louis C.K. camp.

 

I watched the HBO documentary about Michael Jackson called Leaving Neverland. There can be little doubt that Michael Jackson was a child molester. But like it never happened, in 2020 Sirius Radio launched a Michael Jackson channel, and just last December the musical “MJ” premiered on Broadway.

A radio station and a Broadway musical celebrating the work of a child molester! What’s next? Will Turner Classic Movies broadcast a Harvey Weinstien film festival?

I’m reminded of the line, “Tolerating racism is racism.” Likewise, I think tolerating sexual assault encourages sexual assault.

 

I’m not saying there’s no place for redemption. In some cases, there truly should be. But what that would look like is hard to imagine. Most transgressors who have survived in the public eye don’t accept responsibility for their sins. Think Bill Clinton and Donald Trump.

 

Yes, most of Clinton’s accusations involve consensual relationships, but still he repeatedly used an unequal power dynamic to lure women into sexual relationships, and there are several accusations of forced sexual contact. Yet, when Democrats hold a convention, Clinton arrives to an affectionate standing ovation.

And with Trump it’s even worse. He spent years bragging in New York tabloids about his extra-marital affairs, made repeated ugly sexual comments to women in public, and of course was caught on tape bragging about the joys of sexually assaulting women. Nineteen women have come forward accusing him of doing just that. Yet, tens of millions of Americans didn’t care that they might be electing a sexual predator to the most powerful office in the world.

Is anything real? 

 

I’ll admit, I’m not perfect at drawing the line either.

 

With some unease, I still listen to Ryan Adams’ music. He’s one my favorite songwriters of the past 25 years. His private misdeeds also came out as a result of the MeToo movement. Apparently, he methodically established friendships with up-and-coming female artists under the pretense of acting as a mentor, when in fact he was grooming them for sexual encounters. 

One of Adams’ best-known victims was Phoebe Bridgers. She's recently built a successful music career on her own and her most memorable song, Motion Sickness, is about her relationship with Adams. In the opening lyrics she sings: “I hate you for what you did, and miss you like a little kid,” lamenting the lost, innocent joy of connecting with one of her heroes, and rightly hating him for the ugliness that lay hidden beneath the surface.

And maybe that’s what we’re all doing as we struggle and fail to make peace with the heroes whose work moved and inspired us, only to later discover they were secretly monsters.

 

 

Geoff Davis: My Friend In His Creative Prime

I met Geoff Davis in 1987. At the time, he was helping found the Noblesville Preservation Alliance, trying to make a then, indifferent Noblesville, care about its historic architecture. For the 35 years since, he’s doggedly walked his own path, pursuing out-of-the-ordinary interests, delighting and inspiring people like me along the way. 

We sat on that early NPA board together and restored our own Victorian-era houses in the same neighborhood. I knew I loved old homes and restoration, and already knew a lot about carpentry, but Geoff understood the granular details of architecture and historic design and helped me deepen my own knowledge. I’ve learned so much from him over our 35-year friendship. 

 

Together, we salvaged old buildings slated for demolition. Once, we scoured a decades-long-abandoned boarding house, picking decorative hardware, woodwork, light fixtures, and eventually, a staggeringly heavy 1940s refrigerator we slid down a stairway and into my truck.

 

I wrote and published a novel called The Salvage Man, about a man doing what Geoff inspired me to do; save those irreplaceable bits of beauty before they got thrown in a dumpster. I returned the favor by giving him a set of 1890s doors with matching ornate hardware I’d salvaged to be used in an addition he was building to his 1890s home. 

Twenty years ago I was free-lance writing, doing a piece about IPS schools. Thanks to Geoff’s help, I interviewed teachers and students in the school building where he taught. There, I discovered what an amazing teacher he was. Geoff was allowed to teach his elementary students a unique topic of his choosing each semester. He taught them to play the ukulele, creating a school ukulele band. It was an insane success. He and his students would go on to perform at former Indiana Governor O’Bannon’s funeral and in one of Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion shows. 

Some years later, when I was going through a divorce and an emotional mess, he took me for a for peaceful walk along White River near the Blatchley Nature Study Club land, identifying birds and trees, giving my troubled heart exactly what it needed at that very moment. He probably has no idea how powerful, healing and inspiring that walk was. I went on my own walk the next day, and the next day. From that day on, I’ve walked in the woods and biked in the countryside to clear my mind and find relief from the chaos of life.

 

For 35 years we commiserated over beers about our difficult relationships with our fathers, woodworking, historic preservation, primitive country blues recordings, and our love/hate relationships with our shared former profession of teaching. 

 

A decade ago, my friend Bill Kenley and I created a literary journal for Noblesville, called the Polk Street Review. It was only natural Geoff would get involved. He set out on the North Forest Canoe Trail, a six-week, 350-mile canoe journey (with his canoe, named Joe) through New York, Vermont, Quebec, and Maine, and chronicled the arduous trip for that year’s edition of Polk Street.

His retirement from teaching in 2018 ushered in his most prolific creative period. He opened his own workshop in downtown Noblesville, teaching woodworking and ukulele building. This soon grew as he added a letterpress print shop that he operates for profit and for teaching that disappearing craft.

He plays uke and trombone in various ad-hoc bands and has built an impressive reputation as a wood carver, best known for his 50 Little Birds series that started with birds but grew into fish, dogs, and sea-going creatures. He’s a leatherworker, making belts and suspenders and is an impressive decorative painter. In the past year he’s given a TedTalk and a documentary was made about him called 50 Little Birds. And now he’s organized Noblesville residents to build a community toboggan to enter in the National Toboggan Championships in Camden Main this February.

There’s just about nothing he doesn’t do. Oh, and did I mention he set up a workbench in his shop window this past Christmas season and entertained shoppers dressed as Santa working in his workshop? Yeah, he did that, too!

Last December, at a bourbon tasting in my garage, Geoff arrived with two wooden cocktail garnish muddlers he’d made on a wood lathe. He pulled them from his pocket and handed one to me and the other to Samir Mohammad, like it was no big deal, “Made these for you guys.” The self-deprecation is very Hoosier–to make something so precious and beautiful and give it so casually. 

 

I love him for that quality. And over the holidays, every time I muddled the orange peel and cherry in my old fashion, I was reminded how lucky I am to call this incredible person my friend.

*Santa photo by Rocky Walls

 

 

Are New Downtown Developments Good For Old Town Noblesville?

The Village At Federal Hill is set to break ground in 2022

I see folks on social media claim new high-rise apartment buildings are “destroying downtown Noblesville.”

 

I disagree.

 

Some eight years ago I was guest speaker at a local civic group. Asked to name the biggest change I’d seen while living in Old Town, I answered that because of rising population, rising economic activity, and increased traffic, it was becoming less a small town environment, like Tipton or Lebanon, and more an urban environment, like Fountain Square. 

 

That didn’t’ go over well. A Noblesville Common Council member in the crowd scoffed that traffic congestion in Old Town was no different than when he was a teenager in the 1980s. That astonished me. The next day I called the Indiana Department of Transportation and got 30 years of traffic counts for Conner and 10^th streets. The data showed a nearly 300% rise in traffic since the late ‘80s.

 

Perceptions have to meet reality.

Village At Federal Hill looking west. Conner St. is at left and
existing amphitheater green space is out of view to the right.
The existing playground remains in middle of this rendering.

 

I’m fine with Old Town’s increasingly urban environment. Two years from now when four more planned apartment complexes are complete, any debate on the topic will be over.

 

I was the first president of Noblesville Main Street back in the early ‘90s. Main Street is an economic development entity that works to revitalize historic downtowns. At Main Street’s founding, we got a year of consultation from experts on that very subject thanks to the National Trust of Historic Preservation. They examined Noblesville back then and made two big observations.

 

First, Noblesville was developing a surface “parking doughnut” around downtown, an asphalt desert between commercial and residential Old Town. They warned that this tends to destroy downtowns, that people don’t like to move through an ugly, barren environment to get to a pleasant destination. The pleasant destination will just wither. No one in power listened at the time. The City, the County, a law firm, and a developer all torn down historic structures and made more ugly surface parking. So I’m thrilled now to see these asphalt deserts turned into something that can both increase population and intensify economic activity, which will help sustain downtown restaurants and retail and make for more compelling night life. 

 

Their second observation was that we Noblesville folk saw the river as the edge of downtown and should reimagine it as the middle. At the time, the Kroger strip mall was under construction. They argued Noblesville should have zoned the west side to work like the east side: buildings right up on the sidewalk, put parking behind, and add wide sidewalks along bridges to encourage pedestrian movement across the river–in other words, an urban environment. Instead, we let the Kroger mall, including the street width out front, be built like a suburban environment designed for cars.

The Bridge of Flowers, the brainchild of Dick Gordon, seeks to transform the new, wide Logan
Street sidewalk over White River into a lush, green connection between east and west downtown.

 

Those consultants were 100% right. And the current City leadership appears to be in the process of undoing that mistake. And I say ,“Hell Yes!”

 

With the construction of a new 3-building complex at Federal Hill, we lose a Wendy’s, a Mexican restaurant eyesore, and the parking area next to Federal Hill Park. Ninety five percent of the park’s green space will remain. The buildings will have apartments, garage parking, retail and offices. The City intends to narrow Logan Street there so it’s more like a neighborhood and less like a highway. Hopes are the Kroger outlots will get redeveloped and better fit what those National Trust consultants argued for 30 years ago.

 

I’ll admit, we’ve got a developmental tiger by the tail, one that might turn on us and our goals, but at the moment, that’s not what’s happening.

 

Do I wish the Levinson was one story shorter so it fit in downtown better? Yes. Do I wish the county had put two stories of their new parking garage underground so it wouldn’t loom over downtown? Yes. Do I wish the historic structures at 10^th and Clinton could have been restored rather than a new apartment building put in their place? Yes. But I’m tired of waiting for downtown to be transformed into a compelling, energetic place, so I’m not going to let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

Downtown projects have faced simmering resentments. On the morning
of the groundbreaking of the County's parking garage last May, this awaited.

Having said that, compromise isn’t limitless. The city needs a moratorium on the demolition of pre-1960 structures in Old Town. Most of the lovely homes and historic buildings we see now and love looked terrible at some point in the past 75 years, but they were reclaimed. Just because something looks bad today doesn’t mean it can’t be made beautiful. If we’d torn down everything when it looked bad, we’d be . . . well, Fishers or Westfield.

 

For those disheartened by these new developments, be prepared for 2022. There are more new buildings coming. If you see a surface parking lot in or around downtown, assume someone is planning to build something new.

 

 

 

 

In Defense Of Bricks

Sidewalk bricks in Lancaster, PA

I’ve been told by city engineers in past administrations that Noblesville’s legendary Nelsonville Star Bricks are a dangerously slippery walking surface and our other uneven brick pavers present trip hazards. “Anything more than a 1/4^th inch tripping hazard cannot be tolerated,” I’ve been told more often than I can count, “or the City will be sued into bankruptcy because of ADA (American’s With Disability Act) claims.”

 

Really?

 

Last winter I visited Brevard, North Carolina, a quaint little town of 7,600–a fraction of Noblesville’s population. Brevard is a progressive place. Stellar restaurants and coffee shops, breweries and boutiques line their historic downtown, as do brick sidewalks. These aren’t old neglected sidewalks, they’re well maintained and some are clearly newer.

 

We also spent some time in nearby Asheville, famous for its surrounding mountain forests, The Biltmore Estate, and its historic city center. Its population is a little larger than Noblesville’s. Ashville’s historic residential neighborhoods have lots of brick sidewalks made with shiny, salt glazed surfaces not unlike the Nelsonville Star Bricks familiar in Noblesville’s Old Town. There’s no evidence they’re taking them up, instead, they appear to be protecting and preserving them. In other parts of Ashville’s historic commercial areas they’re not only preserving brick sidewalks, but adding new ones.

Salt-glazed sidewalk bricks in Asheville, North Carolina

Are North Carolinians uncaring of handicap folks? Are they so rich they laugh at the thought of ADA lawsuits?

 

In July we went to Lancaster, Pennsylvania for an annual business event. It’s another historic town with a population 10,000 fewer than Noblesville. And guess what? They’re not only preserving their historic sidewalk bricks, like Ashville they’ve installed new ones.

 

Savanna, Georgia sidewalk bricks

Spent two days in Savannah, Georgia last month, and yet again, this famous historic city, almost twice the size of Noblesville . . . yes, they’re preserving both typical pavers and Nelsonville salt-glazed bricks, and I watched a city crew installing brand new brick sidewalks in their historic, very pedestrian-focused downtown.

You know what I didn’t see in any of these towns? Not one single concrete sidewalk with faux stamped brick surfaces. They’re installing and preserving the real thing.

 

What do they know that Noblesville doesn’t know? Did their city engineers fail the college course on ADA mandates? 

 

Not likely. Asheville and Savannah clearly rely more on tourism than Noblesville to bouy their local economy, but that’s not true of Lancaster or Brevard. My guess is all four have a vision for their historic downtowns and they’ve committed to it. They’d jump at the stockpile of Star Bricks sitting at Noblesville’s Street Department and put them back in public spaces or sidewalks.

 

Noblesville could make the same commitment. It just requires the will to do it. 

 

Are concrete sidewalks really safer? In general, I think yes. But when newly laid, I think brick sidewalks are nearly as safe. The problems come from repeated freeze and thaw cycles that heave the ground (all the towns I mentioned except Savannah experience routine freeze and thaw cycles) and the heaving caused by growing tree roots. But as I walk Noblesville’s sidewalks (which I do a lot) I don’t see an obvious advantage for concrete over brick.

 

New brick sidewalk being laid in Savannah

When tree roots lift a brick sidewalk, they tend to create a gentle roll. When they heave a concrete sidewalk, they create an abrupt, extended, solid trip hazard. This callenges our beliefs about sidewalk safety.

 

Roundabout safety also challenges common logic . We assume they’re more dangerous than intersections with traffic lights, but that’s not true. Research shows that because of the rapid, yield-only movement in roundabouts, we enter them with greater vigilance. But at lighted intersections, it’s red or green, stop of go, and we trust it’s that simple. So when someone blows through a red light we’re more likely to get T-boned (which happened to me at 9^th and Conner a few years back), or a pedestrian killed because we mistakenly trust all people will stop for all red lights. Research shows stoplight intersections are more dangerous than roundabouts because vigilance trumps trust.

 

I think sidewalks work much the same way. We subconciously trust that concrete sidewalks are one, smooth, flat surface. But they’re not. We expect brick sidewalks to be uneven, and so we subconsciously increase vigilance.

 

I have renewed faith in Noblesville’s city leadership. It's younger, more energetic, and more willing to think out side old boxes. And not just elected officials, but also our truly first-class department heads and their staff. My hope is they’ll put an end to the pulling out of historic brick sidewalks and opt to repair them instead. If every other historic town I visit can do it, then a town as dynamic as ours can, too.

This heaved concrete sidewalk on N. 10th St. in Noblesville, making a 1.5" trip hazard, is not unusual, in fact, these are common. Yet, there's a very long stretch of smooth surface leading up to it, just enough to fool you into thinking there's nothing to trip over.

Nobody Wants To Work?

We’re all frustrated with short-staffed stores and restaurants and waves of supply chain shortages. From friends to Facebook posts to cable news, the relentless bleat drones on, “Nobody wants to work. They all want to sit at home and collect unemployment.”

I’ve no doubt such people exist, but they’re a very minor cause of our labor shortage.

 

Let’s start with a reminder: there was already a shortage of workers before Covid.

 

Many women delayed returning to work for quite good reasons. It sad but true that women earn less than men. So, when someone in a family needed to stay home to tend to young children whose school had closed and gone online, it was often a woman. 

 

And those short-staffed kid’s summer camps and vacation locations we saw this year? In previous years tens of thousands of foreign students came to America as temporary guest workers during their summer holiday. None could come the past two years.

 

But I hear no recognition of this, only the self-righteous cry, “Nobody wants to work.”

 

There is one big group not returning to work for convoluted reasons.

 

Thanks to a steady dose of misinformation, some people are afraid to get the vaccine. Yet, as our country approaches three quarters of a million people dead from Covid and hospital ICUs overloaded with the infected, its dangers are hard to ignore. So there’s a class of worker needlessly afraid of the vaccine, but also afraid to go back to their day care job, filled with sneezing, coughing, drooling babies and toddlers who can’t yet be vaccinated, or their restaurant job with unmasked patrons and their germy drinking glasses and eating utensils. And as a result, even if they wanted to go back to work, day care costs have risen 50% since Covid arrived. So your day care bill of $200 a week before Covid is now $300 a week. 

 

Some people can’t afford to go back to work.

Let’s acknowledge another gruesome reality: 700,000+ Americans have died from Covid. Hundreds of thousands of them had jobs.

And how about former president Trump’s attitude toward immigrants and guest workers in the three years leading up to Covid? He wasn’t just hyper aggressive about turning back illegals, he also dramatically reduced LEGAL immigration.

 

I get more than a little confounded that most of this, “Nobody wants to work,” is coming from conservative folks, the ones who so frequently remind the world they’re Christians, followers of Jesus. So WWJD? Barking ill-informed, harsh condemnations at low-income workers likely wouldn’t make His list, considering His teachings urged us to help those with less. 

 

And if we plotted a map of America with anti-vaccine hotspots, where hospital ICUs are packed to the gills with the infected and unvaxed and laid it atop another map showing which areas voted Trump and which voted Biden, looking for correlation, we find that Trumpers are overwhelmingly the ones slowing our return to full employment. Their political movement demands no obstacles to a completely opened economy, yet their wallowing in vaccine misinformation is the single biggest obstacle. They also demand schools open with no mask or vaccine mandates, making yet another class of worker-parent whose child may have compromised health conditions consider staying home with their child to protect them from the anti-maskers’ and anti-vaxers’ potentially infected children.

 

Holding such contradictory points of view and then insisting, “Nobody wants to work,” when folks don’t meet your impossible expectations layers idiocy on top of an international pandemic. 

What’s more, Covid forced many folks into soul-searching about how they want to live and work. Young Americans are sick of stressful, low wage jobs at companies that pay mega millions to their CEOs and boards of directors, a seeming re-creation of the Victorian-era, Gilded Age income model. Labor statistics show those young workers put in more hours, get fewer benefits and have less buying power than their parent’s generation did at the same age. In fact, 4.3 million people quit their jobs in August, mostly in food service, hotels, and schools.

There’s a smug, self-congratulatory sound to the belligerent claim, “Nobody wants to work.” The accuser is inferring that they, themselves are blameless for labor shortages. Well, don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. If you’re indifferent to those working stressful, low-income jobs, if you’re spreading Covid and vaccine misinformation, if you’re unvaccinated, and if you’re happy with less legal immigration, you’re as much a part of the problem as someone who, “Doesn’t want to work.”

1st World Luxuries In The Time Of Covid

Around a campfire spit with his 3^rd world host, Anthony Bourdain nibbled on freshly roasted local beast. His host asked, “I hear in America some people don’t eat meat.” With greasy fingers, Bourdain chewed another piece off the bone and grunted, “Yeah, it’s a first world luxury.”

I’ve thought about Bourdain’s comment while folks refuse Covid vaccinations. What a luxury, to be so safe and comfortable we have the emotional energy to get suspicious about nourishing sustenance and life-saving medicines, even imagining some are, in fact, poisons.

Follow the cartoonist on Twitter @BillBramHall

 It’s a curious thing that the safer people are, the more petty dangers hover like a mirage in the road ahead.

 

And the tricks the media use to keep us tuned in amplify the curse.

 

A friend who once anchored local news jokingly told me, “If it bleeds, it leads.” And so they started each newscast with a menacing story, even if it had been a great day in the news; malfunctioning child car seats, suntan lotion destroying barrier reefs, unruly airline passengers, dangerous local intersections. There’s something to fear around every corner. Film at 11:00!

 

During President Obama’s 2^nd term, law enforcement research showed violent crime was at a near 30 year low in the U.S. At this precise time a FOX News-watching neighbor lamented to me that crime was out of control in America, that our cities and towns were cesspools of violence.

 

How could it be that that he felt most threatened in one of the safest times of his life? Because someone was feeding him fear everyday. All the fear mongering could actually be cherry-picked true stories that still added up to a misinformed mindset.

 

I’m one of those tiresome people who believe scientists who have actual credentials and run actual studies, who document their work and expose it to peer review. In that world, 90+% of scientist and doctors, people who’ve spent their entire lives researching pathogens and treating patients, it’s settled science that wearing masks dramatically protects against getting or transmitting Covid. It’s also settled science that Covid vaccines dramatically protect against getting Covid or having a dangerous reaction to it.

 

But at a recent school board meeting in Noblesville, when Dr. Jaime Stelzer, vice president of the American Academy of Pediatrics spoke to support that science, she was verbally attacked by anti-mask parents in the audience. Police had to escorted her to her car.

 

How fortunate we have the scientific and medical infrastructure enjoyed in America, one with a stellar record of success. The vast majority of other nations in the world can only dream of it. Yet, significant numbers of Americans have come to believe this infrastructure is lying and the real truth can be found elsewhere.

 

And so, as 3^rd World folks planet-wide beg for Covid vaccines, folks in the lap of luxury actually conjure a threat and tens of thousands of doses near their expiration date in red states with low vaccination rates.

 

Which raises the question: why is it that low vaccination states tend to be states that voted for Trump? Why is it those are the very states right now where ICU beds are near full. Next week, will people die in hallways and parking lots, waiting for a ventilator, or simpler yet, staff that can tend to them? 

 

And in a cruel twist of fate, this past week a 5th conservative talk show host, Bob Enyart of Denver, who spread misinformation about Covid and vaccines, died of Covid. This self-induced thinning of the heard will go down in history. 

 

That sounds way scarier than getting a vaccine shot. Nuttier still, many “Pro-life” folks, despite 630,000 Covid deaths and counting, refuse to get the vaccine, allowing it to mutate and become deadlier. Perhaps they’re more “Pro-birth” than “Pro-life.”

 

Some folks need a metaphorical gun to their heads before they can muster the intellectual energy to set aside emotion enough to know what to fear. 

 

Heard a doctor interviewed last week who said 9 out 10 patients in his ICU are unvaccinated and nearly every one is remorseful, begging for the vaccine. Facing a true threat has a funny way of  focusing attention on reality. But when you’re comfortable and disconnected from immediate threat you have the luxury of carefree, careless emotional, even political principles, as perhaps many of those 9 out of 10 had before they got sick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New and Improved Hamilton County Driver's Manual

STOP . . . or don't

New to Hamilton County or new to driving? Throw away that Indiana Driver’s Manual and learn to drive like a local. What follows is the Hamilton County Driver’s Manual. And it’s been revised. This new version will help you calculate your “Kill Threshold.”

Stop Signs: Here, stop signs don’t really mean, “STOP,” so much as they mean, ”Slow Down a Little” (but that’s too many words to put on a sign). This is well exemplified by the 4-way stop at 10^th and Hannibal Streets in Noblesville. When the car in front of you takes its turn to pass through the intersection, ease through with them as if you’re tethered together. True, if each car made a complete stop, children could safely cross the street and cars trying to cross at the next intersection might actually be able to do so, but the Hamilton County Golden Traffic Rule is, “Do unto others anything necessary to get where you’re going faster.” 

 Speed Limits: In Hamilton County, the posted speed limit is not the top threshold as is the case in other parts of the country, but the slowest you’re allowed to go. Ten to twenty miles an hour over the posted limit is just fine, especially in neighborhoods. The people taking a walk and the children riding their bikes or playing basketball in cul-de-sacs really won’t mind your speeding. However dangerous or irritating you’re making their lives, they understand how important it is that you shave five or ten seconds off your drive.

"Chase 'em out, chase 'em out, chase 'em WAY out!"

Pedestrians/Crosswalks:  Here in our corner of Hoosierland, we see crosswalks as needless government regulation. Fact is, some people are too cheap to exercise in health clubs–they actually get out and walk around. Here’s what to do: As moms with strollers, County employees on the courthouse square, and Monon Trail users are exercising their “supposed” right to safely cross the street, ease your car menacingly close to them. Once they’re just inches out of your way, slam on the accelerator and roar past. This may sound extreme to bleeding-heart newcomers, but it reminds pedestrians that "Might Makes Right." Likewise, if you’re in a mall parking lot or at a pedestrian crossing and it’s raining or bitterly cold, do not give pedestrians the right of way out of some mistaken notion of kindness. No matter that you’re warm and dry and they’re not. Cars come first here. Always.

 

ALWAYS! Oh, and BTW, block intersections and crosswalks anytime you want. Totally fine. 

When stopped at a red light, it's perfectly
fine to do so in the middle of the crosswalk.

Bicycle Safety: Treat cyclists the same way you’d treat pedestrians. Hurry past them going way too fast and way too close. Cyclists should know they’re a nuisance because sometimes they slow down drivers a few seconds.

 

Car Size: We prefer the biggest cars possible. Small cars are for weak liberals. Never mind that we live in one of the flattest places on earth, have not one single gravel road in the county, or that we have some of the best and safest roads in the nation. Bigger is always better, no matter what. Commuting solo to downtown Indy in a Suburban, extended cab truck or other urban assault vehicle? Of course you are! We all are. And if it costs $80 bucks to fill your tank, that’s not your fault. Just blame Biden. (Around here we blame everything on him.)

Yellow Lights: The yellow light transition from green to red is actually an extension of green. Slam on the accelerator and blow through that sucker.

 

Turning Left: Hamilton County is so conservative we’ve made turning left as hard as possible. But if you insist on turning left, pack a sack lunch and bring your meds–you’re gonna be there awhile. (And FYI, nobody’s gonna wave you ahead. *Refer back to our Golden Traffic Rule)

 

Roundabouts: We have roundabouts here in Hamilton County. If you’re of at least average intelligence and prefer to move forward rather than sit needlessly at red lights, you’ll do fine. If you’re of below average intelligence and enjoy sitting at red lights, you’ll find these irritating, and possibly even their circular shape, confusing. Forewarning: If you hate daylight saving time and spicy food, you belong here and therefore will also hate roundabouts.

These signs can be taken literally elsewhere
in America, but here they translate in the
local language as, "blah, blah, blah."

Noise Pollution:  Hamilton County residents put “noise pollution” in the same category as global warming, evolution, and Obama’s citizenship: Things that don’t exist. We love loud car sound systems and loud motorcycles. Even better–a loud motorcycle WITH a load sound system. That’s why we don’t enforce our noise ordinances. Fellas, the louder your sound system and/or engine, the more men admire you and the more ladies are attracted to you. Like you, they see the noise as a symbol of your masculinity. 

 

Calculate Your Kill Threshold: How much exasperating driving delay would you accept before losing your shit and endangering another person’s life? For example, let’s say you come upon a cyclist taking up half a lane and to wait for a safe spot to pass would add 10 seconds to your commute to the liquor store, so you angrily zoom around them, your side mirror just inches from their handle bars. Your Kill Threshold is 10 seconds. If waiting for a pedestrian to comfortably clear the intersection would slow you down 3 seconds, so you race past, your tires just inches from their heels, then your Kill Threshold is 3 seconds. The pedestrians will understand you’re in a hurry to get to that next red light. Sitting at a red light myself recently, I saw my neighbor, a young mother of two, waiting to cross the street. When the light turned green a motorist in the oncoming left turn lane did not wait his turn, but slammed on his accelerator, rocketing across the path of oncoming cars who had the actual right-of-way and through the intersection my neighbor had just entered, almost hitting her. That man’s Kill Threshold was zero. There was no period of time he’d wait before endangering another person’s life. That there’s an overachiever! 

In the 24 hours before posting this blog, The Contrarian
actually came upon 2 such car accidents.

What’s your Kill Threshold?

 

If there’s a traffic situation not covered here, refer back to the Hamilton County Golden Traffic Rule*.