New to Hamilton County or new to driving? Throw away that Indiana Driver’s Manual and learn to drive like a local. What follows is the Hamilton County Driver’s Manual. And it’s been revised. This new version will help you calculate your “Kill Threshold.”
STOP . . . or don't
Stop Signs: Here, stop signs don’t really mean, “STOP,” so much as they mean, ”Slow Down a Little” (but that’s too many words to put on a sign). This is well exemplified by the 4-way stop at 10th and Hannibal Streets in Noblesville. When the car in front of you takes its turn to pass through the intersection, ease through with them as if you’re tethered together. True, if each car made a complete stop, children could safely cross the street and cars trying to cross at the next intersection might actually be able to do so, but the Hamilton County Golden Traffic Rule is, “Do unto others anything necessary to get where you’re going faster.”
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| "Chase 'em out, chase 'em out, chase 'em WAY out!" |
Pedestrians/Crosswalks: Here in our corner of Hoosierland, we see crosswalks as needless government regulation. Fact is, some people are too cheap to exercise in health clubs–they actually get out and walk around. Here’s what to do: As moms with strollers, County employees on the courthouse square, and Monon Trail users are exercising their “supposed” right to safely cross the street, ease your car menacingly close to them. Once they’re just inches out of your way, slam on the accelerator and roar past. This may sound extreme to bleeding-heart newcomers, but it reminds pedestrians that "Might Makes Right." Likewise, if you’re in a mall parking lot or at a pedestrian crossing and it’s raining or bitterly cold, do not give pedestrians the right of way out of some mistaken notion of kindness. No matter that you’re warm and dry and they’re not. Cars come first here. Always.
ALWAYS! Oh, and BTW, block intersections and crosswalks anytime you want. Totally fine.
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| When stopped at a red light, it's perfectly fine to do so in the middle of the crosswalk. |
Bicycle Safety: Treat cyclists the same way you’d treat pedestrians. Hurry past them going way too fast and way too close. Cyclists should know they’re a nuisance because sometimes they slow down drivers a few seconds.
Car Size: We prefer the biggest cars possible. Small cars are for weak liberals. Never mind that we live in one of the flattest places on earth, have not one single gravel road in the county, or that we have some of the best and safest roads in the nation. Bigger is always better, no matter what. Commuting solo to downtown Indy in a Suburban, extended cab truck or other urban assault vehicle? Of course you are! We all are. And if it costs $80 bucks to fill your tank, that’s not your fault. Just blame Biden. (Around here we blame everything on him.)
Yellow Lights: The yellow light transition from green to red is actually an extension of green. Slam on the accelerator and blow through that sucker.
Turning Left: Hamilton County is so conservative we’ve made turning left as hard as possible. But if you insist on turning left, pack a sack lunch and bring your meds–you’re gonna be there awhile. (And FYI, nobody’s gonna wave you ahead. *Refer back to our Golden Traffic Rule)
Roundabouts: We have roundabouts here in Hamilton County. If you’re of at least average intelligence and prefer to move forward rather than sit needlessly at red lights, you’ll do fine. If you’re of below average intelligence and enjoy sitting at red lights, you’ll find these irritating, and possibly even their circular shape, confusing. Forewarning: If you hate daylight saving time and spicy food, you belong here and therefore will also hate roundabouts.
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| These signs can be taken literally elsewhere in America, but here they translate in the local language as, "blah, blah, blah." |
Noise Pollution: Hamilton County residents put “noise pollution” in the same category as global warming, evolution, and Obama’s citizenship: Things that don’t exist. We love loud car sound systems and loud motorcycles. Even better–a loud motorcycle WITH a load sound system. That’s why we don’t enforce our noise ordinances. Fellas, the louder your sound system and/or engine, the more men admire you and the more ladies are attracted to you. Like you, they see the noise as a symbol of your masculinity.
Calculate Your Kill Threshold: How much exasperating driving delay would you accept before losing your shit and endangering another person’s life? For example, let’s say you come upon a cyclist taking up half a lane and to wait for a safe spot to pass would add 10 seconds to your commute to the liquor store, so you angrily zoom around them, your side mirror just inches from their handle bars. Your Kill Threshold is 10 seconds. If waiting for a pedestrian to comfortably clear the intersection would slow you down 3 seconds, so you race past, your tires just inches from their heels, then your Kill Threshold is 3 seconds. The pedestrians will understand you’re in a hurry to get to that next red light. Sitting at a red light myself recently, I saw my neighbor, a young mother of two, waiting to cross the street. When the light turned green a motorist in the oncoming left turn lane did not wait his turn, but slammed on his accelerator, rocketing across the path of oncoming cars who had the actual right-of-way and through the intersection my neighbor had just entered, almost hitting her. That man’s Kill Threshold was zero. There was no period of time he’d wait before endangering another person’s life. That there’s an overachiever!
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| In the 24 hours before posting this blog, The Contrarian actually came upon 2 such car accidents. |
What’s your Kill Threshold?
If there’s a traffic situation not covered here, refer back to the Hamilton County Golden Traffic Rule*.
